Wedding Bells

                Tommy Coe and Jane Morris, both of Clinton, were married today on the playground of Windy Hill Elementary School.

                The bride, age 6, is a kindergartener at Windy Hill Elementary where her favorite activities are art, reading, and quiet choice time. The groom, also age 6 and in the same kindergarten class as his new wife, lists physical education, lunch, and show and tell as his favorite subjects.

                The bride and groom became engaged one fall day when Tommy returned home from school and announced to his family that, whether he liked it or not, his friend Jane intended to marry him.

Pick Your Battles

                “You’re telling me they can send a man to the moon,” Sandy shouted in Lisa’s ear when she picked up the phone, “but there’s no cure for head lice?”

                Sandy was at the end of her rope. This was her first experience with head lice and she was practically cross-eyed from scouring the heads of her four children. In just two days, she spent $75 on shampoo and combs at the drugstore, had done fifteen loads of laundry, suffocated nineteen stuffed animals in a garbage bag, and she was still finding countless little white nits stubbornly clinging to her children’s fine hair.

                “Lisa, this is it. I’m getting out the hair clippers,” she threatened, a rising tone of frenzy now present in her voice. Sandy’s boys would look adorable with buzz cuts, but Lisa said she was concerned that the girls might look like they’d been through a war.

“They are in a war, Lisa,” Sandy shrieked, “This is my war…me versus head lice!”

             Lisa was a veteran of the head lice war and she’d felt these same battle scars. After weeks of treatment, her own daughter was recently proclaimed “nit free” by the school nurse. At the time, the intensive treatments had put Lisa into the same frenzy that Sandy was now experiencing. There were hours and hours of combing, shampooing, and picking, not to mention the laundry.

                “Lisa, you’re drafted. How soon can you get over here and help me comb the kids’ hair?” Sandy implored.

                “Ummm…Sandy…. I have a dentist appointment right now that I really don’t want to miss. Gotta go!” Lisa hung up the phone, sweat beginning to form on her brow. Keeping her secret hidden was not easy, especially when General Sandy was on the warpath. How much longer could she keep this ruse going?

The truth was Lisa, an attractive 35-year-old woman with healthy shiny hair, also had head lice.

What's Your Score?

Sharpen your number 2 pencil, because it’s time to take the official “That’s Another Story” P.A.T. (Parental Aptitude Test). For each of the following questions, choose the answer that best describes how you would react to the given scenario. When you’re done, we’ll add up your score and see what your parenting style is.

1. It’s time to plan your son’s sixth birthday party. When you sit down with him to write the guest list, he includes the girl in his class that is rumored to spend a lot of time in the principal’s office. Your son really likes her, but you are worried that she’ll ruin the party with her bad behavior. What do you do?

A. Invite her anyway. How bad can she be? Maybe the teacher just doesn’t know how to handle her in the classroom.

B. Send an invitation to her and another one to the school principal. Since they already have an established relationship, maybe he can keep an eye on her while you greet the guests, serve the milk and carrot sticks, and cut the sugar-free cake.

C. You don’t have the patience to deal with a badly behaved child at the party. Instead, tell your son that you invited the girl but she couldn’t come. A little white lie won’t hurt at his age.



2. You’ve just finished straightening your daughter’s room, and you’ve found an alarming number of candy wrappers shoved under her bed. Do you…

A. Wait…you were cleaning her room? She’s supposed to do that every weekend. Isn’t that why she gets an allowance? Besides, a little candy couldn’t hurt. She’s got great teeth and she could stand to gain a few pounds.

B. Immediately call your mother to complain again about how she spoils the kids. No matter how many times you’ve told her that your eight year old can’t have hard candy, she’s constantly putting Werther’s Originals in your daughter’s pocket, her purse, her backpack, and her desk.

C. Throw away the trash and see if you can find an unopened Kit Kat for yourself.

The Birds and the Bees

Did you know there are three gentlemen’s clubs in New York City? That’s what my 8-year-old daughter Sister Bear told me. She said she found this out by reading signs on taxis when we were visiting Manhattan last month. And in case you need a night out next time you’re in the city, the three clubs are called New York Dolls, Private Eyes, and Flash Dancers.

When she first told me this information during a New York City trivia game we invented, I was completely stunned. Sister Bear is a reader and she told me she reads every word that passes in front of her. Apparently that includes signs on the top of taxis driving forty miles an hour down Broadway.

At the time, part of me wanted to ask her what she thought gentleman’s clubs were. I imagined her innocent response would most likely give us a good laugh. But in the long run, I decided it wasn’t even worth the laugh. I just hoped she’d forget the whole thing.

I am thankful that the subject of S-E-X has not come up often with my 8-year-old or 5-year-old. We have done our best to shelter them from the blatant sexuality that the media throws at us every day. We limit television to kids’ shows or Food Network or the Discovery Channel and we flip channels during the Viagra and Victoria’s Secret commercials. For my part, I have taken to keeping People magazine in my desk drawer lest they sneak a peek at the cover and ask why Tiger Woods is such a bad guy and why Elin is thinking of leaving him. But still, it seems like you can run, but you can’t hide. Eventually they are going to hear something at school or see a commercial on TV and start asking questions.

Riding the Bus

After ALL THAT (see post below), Henry announced yesterday that he doesn't really want to ride the bus after all. "It was fun the first few times, but now it's not fun anymore," he told me.

One in a Million

My son Brother Bear is one in a million. He is friendly and outgoing, unlike his shy parents and sister, and was known in preschool as “everyone’s friend.” I think Brother has only had a handful of temper tantrums in his 5 years. As a newborn, he would wake up and cry with hunger and then immediately fall back asleep when he was satisfied. Now, he would sleep until 9 a.m. each day if I didn’t have to wake him for kindergarten. We know we are lucky parents and we are grateful every day to have this easy going, well-liked, patient child to call our own. He is one of a kind.

It’s a good thing that Brother Bear was blessed with enormous amounts of patience because he has had reason to use it many times in his five years. He has asthma and sometimes needs to do a 20-minute nebulizer treatment as many as five or six times a day. He has had several bouts of pneumonia and has waited in doctor’s waiting rooms and for x-rays more than I ever care to. But Brother Bear’s most trying issue is his food allergies. He is mildly allergic to eggs and tree nuts and has a severe peanut allergy. Every day, every single piece of food he puts in his mouth has to be thoughtfully considered.

After Brother Bear’s allergies were diagnosed, it took us at least a year to learn how to care for him. The pediatrician told us to eliminate Brother’s exposure to anything containing peanuts, including foods manufactured in the same facility or on the same equipment as peanut butter. We were told that if he ate a food containing peanuts, Brother Bear’s body would fight the food like poison: his mouth would swell, he might vomit, and his throat might close, causing him to stop breathing. He was prescribed an EpiPen, a shot of epinephrine that would stop the anaphylaxis, and were told that even if we used it successfully, we would need to rush him to the nearest emergency room. The EpiPen accompanies Brother everywhere he goes and I’ve trained countless friends and relatives how to use it.

Raining Cats and Dogs

“Ma’am, he’s going to have to spend the next few days in intensive care, but we’re pretty sure he’s going to pull through,” the doctor told my friend Sue. Sue collapsed into the doctor’s arms, weeping with gratitude at all they had done to save her darling Hamilton after the accident.

That surgeon was worth every penny of his $3,000 fee. Ham “Hamilton” Hamster had been part of their family for nearly six months and even Sue, who would never have described herself an animal lover, was starting to form an attachment to the little fur ball.

That morning, after an unfortunate near-miss with the vacuum cleaner, Hamilton looked ready to run on that great big hamster wheel in the sky. But, one look at her daughter Lauren’s face and Sue knew they had to try and save him. Making her minivan into a makeshift pet ambulance, they sped to the veterinary hospital in record time, Hamilton carefully resting on a stretcher made from a shoebox and some dishtowels.

When they arrived, Hamilton was rushed into the back and Sue and Lauren were left alone in the waiting room with only a copy of Cat Fancy to entertain them. When the doctor came out and said the surgery would cost $3,000, Sue didn’t hesitate. And it was worth it. Lauren would have been devastated to lose Hamilton. She loved him with all of her seven-year-old heart. There was pure joy in her eyes when, a week later, Lauren had to bring a cage to pick up Hamilton; he was too frisky and curious to stay put in the shoebox during the slow drive home.

Best of 2009

I started to write a piece for MV Parent with a list of the "Best of 2009." I ended up taking the story in another direction but I couldn't abandon this part. Thought I would share it here.

Best Doctor’s Waiting Room 2009

There is no shortage of entertainment at Dr. X’s office, one of our children’s doctors. Since we are often forced to wait up to two hours to see the great Dr. X, we have plenty of time to amuse ourselves in the sparse waiting room. Our favorite thing is the collection of faded, water-stained, handwritten signs that are posted near the receptionist's desk.

One of our personal favorites is:

Dr. X likes to spend an unlimited amount of time with each of his patients, including you. If you think your

wait is too long, you may find another doctor.

Another sign nearly takes the prize:

Barb is in charge of billing and sends out invoices every Thursday. If you do not pay your bill, Barb will

send your name to collections and you will have to find another doctor.

I have never met Barb face to face. I am assuming she lives in the dungeon where they store the complaint letters from unhappy patients. Unfortunately, Dr. X is worth the wait. He does spend an unlimited amount of time with us and we've been timely with our bills. You'd think that only if they got their act together enough not to double-book appointments and tick off their patients, they could earn enough money to purchase a computer, a printer, and a word processing program to make their signs.

A new post?

Yes, something new! I finally remembered to post my November column from MV Parent about my love of People magazine.

Then, to reward you for visiting, a very special 24-hour early SNEAK PREVIEW of my December MV Parent column. Gasp! You'll see it here first - 12 whole hours before it is uploaded to www.mvparentonline.com.

I also wanted to use this post to pass along two important things about my parents. First of all, my mom thinks you should all know that my People subscription is completely funded by her and my dad - they renew it each June for my birthday. This is unquestionably the best gift I get every year and I silently thank them each Friday when it arrives in the mail and I am treated to a sneak peek at the latest "news."

In fact, one year, my dad forgot to renew the subscription. I was completely bereft. Had they decided I was too mature and intelligent to read such fluff? I was too embarassed to even ask my dad about it so I tried to learn not to anticipate Friday's mail and did my best to move on. One random fall day he realized his mistake, called People right away and it's been smooth sailing from then on.

One more thing about my mom - when you read the part in the advice column in the post below, take note of the comment about her fake cookie exchange. How do these things happen? One minute she's innocently baking some Christmas cookies, the next she's emailing the neighborhood to see who can come over Sunday morning and pose with a cup of tea for some reporters. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. And that's why I love her so much.

Advice for the Seasonally Challenged

It’s no secret that the holidays can be a busy and stressful time for everyone. Santa is lucky enough to have his elves and Mrs. Claus to help him get everything done but the rest of us are left with the little comfort we can gain from quick conversations with friends in passing at the mall. In order to help my readers in need, this month I have transformed this page into an advice column with answers to your toughest seasonal questions.

Dear Laura,
My daughters swear that the only things they want this year are Zhu Zhu pets, those battery-powered fuzzy hamsters that run on a plastic track. Every toy store is sold out and I don’t want to disappoint. What’s a mom to do?
Desperately Driving to Every Toy Store Within Fifty Miles

Dear Desperately,
When all I wanted was a Cabbage Patch Doll for Christmas 1983, my mom swore she wouldn’t get into a fist fight at Toys R Us about it. Instead, she painstakingly sewed Mary Ellen, a homemade doll that vaguely resembled a Cabbage Patch Kid but without the plastic head, vague baby powder scent or Xavier Roberts signature on its rear end. At the time (and for many years afterwards) I was delighted. In retrospect, maybe it was a tad disappointing to not have the real thing. But, as an adult, I can now see her point. So, to make sure your girls are happy on Christmas morning, surprise them with a real hamster and all the necessary accessories. Sure, it will be a messy, smelly, and expensive winter but your girls will be happy. We hope. Let’s just hope that next year they don’t come out with Lu Lu Pets, battery-powered lions who chase after prey on a plastic track.

Dear Laura,
My holiday to-do list is a mile long. Make cookies, set up the tree, decorate the house, shop, wrap, send out cards, the list goes on and on. How am I ever going to get it all done?
Frazzled Franny

Dear Franny,
I would love to tell you some helpful hints to make your holiday less stressful, but if you’re like the rest of us, you’re not going to sleep well until you’ve done all of those things and done them well. So you have to make four dozen cookies for the cookie exchange? Everyone’s going to know if you use Pillsbury refrigerated dough. Have to decorate the house so it looks like a page from Martha Stewart Living? Start buying as much holly as you can get your hands on and I don’t want to hear any excuses about your son’s allergies. Suck it up. Do you really need six hours of sleep? Think of the uninterrupted time you will have to shop online from Midnight until 3 a.m. You’ll get it all done eventually, Franny. And everyone will think you’re perfect.

Dear Laura,
Do you have any tips to make a holiday party fun and easy?
Hostess with the Mostest

Dear Hostess,
My parents’ house is the hub of all the family activity during the holidays so my mom and dad are often entertaining and cooking for a crowd. At Thanksgiving, the turkey was golden brown, the crowd got along famously, and they even planned a neighborhood scavenger hunt between courses. When I asked my mom for the secret to her success, she had a few tips:
- Have your spouse do the dishes while you’re cooking. It will keep him focused and helpful instead of reading the paper on the couch and asking “Can I help?” every few hours.
- Go to the bathroom before the guests come. Then you won’t have to uncomfortably wait in line for the powder room while the food gets cold and the guests get lonely.
- If you are inviting guests who may get into an argument and cause a scene, designate a third guest as the “hall monitor” to keep their fighting limited to the basement rec room.
My mom is available for private party consultations if you would like more tips. This weekend though, she will be busy setting up a fake holiday party at her home so the local paper can get photographs for a feature they’re doing on cookie exchanges.

Dear Laura,
I don’t know what to get my four-year-old niece for the holidays. She has every toy in the toy store, her bookshelves are packed, and clothes just seem boring. Any ideas?
Aunt Who Doesn’t Want to Gift a Pair of Pants

Dear Aunt Pants,
A few years ago, Santa loaded his sleigh to the very top with toys for our house. He brought trains, cars, dolls, books, and everything else on our kids’ lists. The living room looked like a page from “The Night Before Christmas.” A few days later, the kids were bored again and we were wondering what, if anything, we could have bought to keep them occupied for more than a few days. Coincidentally, on the same day, our washing machine died and we had to dip back into the savings account to buy a new one. After the friendly delivery men installed it, we were left with a giant cardboard box. And that’s when we discovered the perfect gift. Our kids played with that cardboard box until spring. They painted it, cut out doors and windows, and moved half their possessions inside. It was a clubhouse, a restaurant, a school house, and a backyard shed. Auntie, get yourself to an appliance store and ask for directions to their dumpster. Your niece will not be disappointed.

Dear Readers,
Whether you’re racing around like crazy to get everything finished or taking things calmly and rationally, I hope all of you have a happy and safe holiday season. While I love to joke about making sure everything is picture perfect, you don’t have to be the perfect shopper, hostess, or chef to make sure you and your family have an enjoyable season. After all, if kids can have endless fun with a cardboard box, you can have a truly happy holiday with refrigerated dough, generic knock-off toys, and a dysfunctional family. However you decide to celebrate this year, do it with peace and joy.
Laughing Laura at her Laptop