Re-Elect Mom!

Being a parent is a job you choose to take, but what if keeping that job depended on being re-elected by your children every four years? An election year might sound like this…

Children, I am speaking to you today to ask you to re-elect me as your mother. I have the experience that this family needs to grow and prosper for the next four years, and I know what it’s like for you, Joe Juice Box, a child of the 21st century.

I know from our conversations around the kitchen table that the state of our economy is at the forefront of your minds. That is why I am proposing a radical 300 penny bailout plan aimed at revitalizing your piggy bank. For too long, you have watched the CEO’s of your family bring home fat paychecks and live the good life. In order to restore faith in our economy, I will inject 300 pennies into each of your piggy banks. You may choose to spend them or save them; either way, I feel that this cash injection into our economy will boost economic confidence.

Healthcare is obviously a top priority in our lives. I know how hard you work at the arena and on the soccer field. As your hockey mom and your soccer mom, there’s nothing I can do to stop the pain of your flu shot or the embarrassing way Dr. Pediatrician discusses your impending adolescence. However, I do think I can help prevent future trips to the doctor. I vow to install Purell dispensers throughout the house, restock the medicine cabinet with Tylenol that’s not out of date, buy new batteries for the digital ear thermometer, and check Target for those SpongeBob band aids you’ve been asking for. In return, I ask that you tell us when your best friend comes down with the stomach bug and that you give us a brief warning before vomiting all over your sheets.

When it comes to the environment, I propose the most comprehensive climate change bill that this family has ever seen. For the past four years, we have kept the thermostat at a mere 65 degrees all day and night. This year, I propose lowering the nighttime temperature to 63 degrees and raising the daytime temperature to 70. I will also provide vouchers for a blanket and a pair of slippers for everyone in the household.

I would now like to introduce you to a man I have chosen to help me lead this family, my vice presidential selection, Dad. Dad has served this family since its inception and he has the experience and the leadership that we need. And Dad is not afraid to fight the terrorism that happens right in our front yard. On that fateful day when our house was rocked by the incessant ringing of the doorbell, it was Dad who flung the door wide and chased down the middle school boys who rang and ran. Yes, Dad has the bravery and leadership to keep this family safe from whatever neighborhood bullies lurk in our hedges.

Whether your bedroom is red or blue, Dad and I are mavericks that can bring you the change you are looking for. And Dad and I have the audacity of hope to believe that this family can be the strongest, the greatest, and the most powerful family on the face of the earth.