Worrying about worrying

It wasn't until April 6, 2005 that I learned that mothers have an uncanny ability to worry. That's the day we took my son to the pediatrician because he wouldn't stop crying. Duh - it turns out he wasn't getting enough oxygen. He was admitted to the hospital, diagnosed with asthma, and prescribed a nebulizer that we've used virtually every day since. That's 3,303 days of worrying, nebulizing, and beating myself up for not knowing my own child wasn't breathing properly.

Since then, I've added many other worries to my repertoire. Some are plausible but most are things that are not likely to ever actually happen. Will I ever be wrongfully accused of a crime and sentenced to life in prison? Probably not. But if I do, I imagine I will have the spirit of Morgan Freeman in "The Shawshank Redemption." I'll wear faded denim overalls and a baseball cap with a frayed brim as I kick the dust in the sunny prison yard and pontificate on prison life. "Get busy living or get busy dying," I'll tell my rapt audience of felons. My letters home will be written in the same handwriting I used regularly in first grade, my academic skills somehow having been lost during my imprisonment. "Dear family, I'm sorry for what I done..."

Okay, I admit I've probably spent a little too much time on that particular worry.

Everyday I've got a slew of new worries. Today, I find myself reading about friends with the stomach bug and fearing I will be its next victim. Never mind that I've already had the stomach bug this winter and I haven't had physical contact with anyone who is sick. I'm still paying acute attention to my stomach's every toss and turn, anticipating that you-can't-turn-back-now nauseous feeling.

Truth is, there will always be something to worry about. No matter how many times I tell myself my worries are irrational, I still worry. I've read that the trick is to keep your worries in check by focusing on the many blessings life has already given you. I also tell myself that if the worst should happen, I'm strong enough to get through it and come out a better person on the other side. I've had the stomach bug before, and if I come down with it again this week, I'll feel better soon.

Also, I am thankful I've been blessed with the resources to hire a good lawyer if the occasion ever arises, and even if the worst happens, the prison-issue overalls will probably look pretty cute.

Would You Read This Book?

I took my kids to the school playground today and ran into a group of friends who read my Facebook post about my time at the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop. Although they pretended to be interested in the conference, they really wanted to know more about my book.

I don't know when it will be done but I'm at least halfway through writing it and then there's the editing and revising, which can be arduous for a perfectionist like myself.

Until then, I thought I'd tease you with the book pitch I planned to deliver at the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop...

Liz Bishop is a small town New Jersey mom who is losing her patience with a hive of gadflies who insist on interrupting her peaceful life.

When her boss Penelope suggests their children's museum host a controversial photography exhibit, Liz hides in her office with a can of Coke and a bag of M&Ms rather than stand up for what seems like common sense.

The new woman in town lets her four brats run wild. It's no surprise she brings a thermos of wine to the town pool, but how how does Liz get stuck making sure she follows the rules?

Then, there's Tracey. Her perfect angels think SpongeBob is a cleaning implement. Meanwhile, Liz's 12-year-old daughter has mood swings so strong they could power a pendulum.

Liz is exasperated and now her husband and children are annoyed, too. She's caught up in everyone else's drama and not what's happening at home. When the town council threatens to close the pool, Liz gets her priorities in order, turns her charms on the mayor, and the waves are calmed.

Have you ever rolled your eyes so often you were worried they would stick that way? Meet Liz Bishop. She's figured out that looking straight ahead is a better way to see the world. 

Finding Humor When Nothing's Funny

My trip to the humor writer's conference was not at all funny. At least, it wasn't funny when it started. When I flew from Syracuse to Dayton for the Erma Bombeck Writer's Conference on Thursday, my son was home with a diagnosed case of the flu and a 103 degree fever. I knew he was in good hands with his father and two sets of grandparents, but still, I was worried and anxious. Nothing was funny; especially not the CNN anchors who spent a solid hour dissecting the missing Malaysian airlines flight. I could swear my heart was pinging.

Two turbulent plane rides later, I was riding a roller coaster of emotions as I stepped into the cocktail hour for attendees. After being in the room for less than five minutes, I was pulled aside by two women who said I looked nice and they appreciated the fact that I was wearing jeans, not the cocktail dresses and heels worn by many of the other attendees. Bonding over our casual wear, much of my anxiety immediately melted away.

During my three days in Ohio, I learned how to craft a Tweet, how to publish a book, and how to walk into a room full of strangers and not worry. I enjoyed an impromptu concert by one of the participants in the National Drum Line Semi Final Competition. I learned how to sign up for Farmers Only, the Match.com for clodhoppers. (Not that I called that 1-800 number; I had a fine husband waiting for me back home in Christian Mingle country.)

Most importantly, during my time away, I got some perspective, and that was the most valuable takeaway. My son healed without me. I realized that I am capable of publishing a book. Not just any book: my story, my voice. I was reminded that the world is much, much bigger than my little town and that my world there should be larger.

It turns out the conference really was funny and I did do a lot of laughing. My favorite Erma Bombeck quote from the weekend was from a piece about regrets. She said,  "I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day."

I wasn't here for three days and the earth kept spinning, the children kept smiling, and I kept growing.

Summer vacation leads to valuable insights

This is an excerpt from a longer piece that is published in the July 27 issue of the Clinton Courier. For the complete version, be sure to pick up a copy of the paper - on sale now!

A few weeks ago, my husband and I took our two children to Florida to experience Kennedy Space Center and Disney World for the first time.

We went as guests of my aunt and uncle, who organized the trip with their friends in the Grand Masonic Lodge of New Jersey. My parents came along, too.

In addition to all the fun we had, we treasured the time we spent with my family and it was good to take a break from our everyday worries and our daily routine. 

And I also managed to learn a few things along the way:

            It’s hot in Florida in the summer. 

            While I had some inkling that the weather would be warm on our trip, I didn't experience the true meaning of heat and humidity until the first day there.

            We stood in line in the direct sun for an hour and ten minutes just for the privilege of paying $164 to enter Kennedy Space Center. Once we got past the admission desk, we got to wait in even more lines.

            We sweat in places we didn’t know sweat could come from. And we stood in the short line.

            Before we left, everyone warned us it would be hot, but somehow I filed that fact away in the back of my brain, refusing to acknowledge it.

            Now that I think about it, I seem to have a habit of forgetting other helpful warnings.

            The night after our daughter was born the nurse in the hospital brought her into our room screaming at 3 a.m., telling me it was time to feed her.

            I was incredulous. Babies have to eat? At night? Can't she wait until it's at least light outside?

Project Costume

This was the first column I wrote for "That's Another Story" in October 2008. It's an oldie but a goodie.


In the world of Halloween costumes, either you’re in or you’re out.

In this episode of America’s favorite fashioned-themed reality show, three sets of parents are challenged to come up with the best Halloween costume they can for their child. They have just 31 days to do it and a budget of only $30. Let’s meet our contestants.

Allison and Adam’s 7-year-old son Zachary loves superheroes. He’s a fan of Spiderman, Batman, and Captain America, but this year he’s told his parents that he wants to be the man of steel: Superman. With two full-time jobs between them, how will this couple find time to make their son’s Halloween dream come true?

Gina and Tom are not surprised that their 2-year-old son Ryan wants to be a firefighter this year. He has been obsessed with fire trucks for the past six months, and they’ve already got a helmet that Ryan wears for dress up.

Laura and Ben are the parents of an adorable princess-loving 4-year-old named Elizabeth who wants nothing more than to be Disney’s Sleeping Beauty. Authenticity is the key when it comes to this costume. The dress must be an exact replica of the one in the movie, right down to the color she describes as “a big dip of ruby.”

Two weeks into the competition, and Allison and Adam are spotted at Target in the costume aisle. Zachary has happily pointed out the Superman costume, which includes a one-piece outfit with enhanced muscles, a cape, a mask, and boots. The price tag says $24.99 so they throw in a plastic pumpkin for collecting treats and head to the check out.

Back at home, Gina and Tom rifle through Ryan’s closet and pull out his yellow raincoat, his dress-up firefighter helmet, and his rain boots. After they try the outfit on him, Ryan decides that he really is a firefighter and proceeds to wear the outfit all day, every day. The $30 still sits in Gina’s wallet. She’s considering rewarding herself with a bag of mini Milky Ways, which she will hide in that corner kitchen cabinet where no one ever looks.

What I Want to be When I Grow Up

When I was a little girl in Clinton, New Jersey, I used to tell everyone that I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. Through the years, my jobs have always involved writing of some kind. I wrote handbooks, edited newsletters, wrote calendar listings, and even became a reporter for our town newspaper. But when I started writing “That’s Another Story” two years ago, I finally felt that my childhood dream had actually become a reality.

Back in middle school, I used to write my stories out by hand in pink notebooks with purple pens. I mostly wrote dreamy poems about changing the world and peace on earth. As I got older, I began to experiment with more humorous writing, crafting imaginary soap operas about my friends and our teachers. When my parents got a Tandy 1000 computer with a dot matrix printer, I printed out multiple copies of the stories and passed them around at school. The attention I received from my peers was intoxicating. Forget the dreamy poems that no one would ever read; it was then that I realized that having an audience made writing a lot more fun.

And writing “That’s Another Story” is a lot of fun…as soon as I figure out what to write about. Each month, I spend hours and hours trying to decide what to write about and I’ve found many ways to procrastinate. I’ll take my laptop to Panera so I can brainstorm for an hour but I usually just order a chocolate croissant and browse the internet. Last spring, I started writing a story on “The Real Housewives of the Mohawk Valley” but once I discovered that you can watch archived episodes of the “Real Housewives” series on Bravo’s website, I spent hours and hours doing “research” but no actual writing.

A Pretty Good Summer

                You’ve had a pretty good summer so far. You’ve had your share of ups and downs but it’s been nothing you couldn’t handle. You’ve been busy at work but not so busy that you can’t spend most afternoons with the kids at the pool. The weather’s been nothing to complain about and you even took a vacation. You dug into your savings account to take the trip, but it was worth it.

                When you get home, it feels like storm clouds begin to roll over your sunny days. After you’ve unloaded the car, you notice that something is amiss in the backyard. There are shards of wood and bark scattered across the lawn. You visit your neighbor and she tells you your 100-year-old willow tree has been struck by lightning. Your husband puts a call into the tree guys. Your friends tell you it’s going to be expensive but you’ve had a pretty good summer so far. How expensive can it be? These things happen. That’s what the savings account is for.

Hand Me The Remote

The kids will be headed back to school in less than a month and after a long summer of staying up late, parents will finally regain control of the remote during prime time. Because of my vast experience watching television, the staff at “That’s Another Story” nominated me to preview some of the fall’s best new TV shows and report back with my findings.

“Vampire Mom”

Research has shown that viewers of all ages can’t get enough of vampire dramas. This fall, television executives are launching a record number of these shows and the best amongst the group is “Vampire Mom.” The hour-long drama stars Molly Ringwald as a young hip mother who turns into a blood-sucking vampire after she’s tucked in her five-year-old twins. In an Emmy-worthy episode, Ringwald decides she’s tired of hiding her vampire alter-ego and invites her neighbors over for a friendly game night…after dark. Despite applying about a case of Lancome bronzer and exhibiting a heroic amount of self-restraint, our heroine can’t hide her fangs and the party ends in a bloodbath.

Camp Grandma

Dear Mom and Dad,

                It was so nice of you to offer to host the children for another week of Camp Grandma this summer. The kids even came up with a motto! “We love Camp Grandma ‘cause Grandpa’s there, too.” They are really looking forward to spending some special time with both of you.

When you signed the lease at Maple Shady Acres it specifically said that guests under the age of 55 were only permitted to stay three consecutive nights. Do you think it will be okay for the kids to stay longer? We don’t want to get you in trouble with the management. (Especially after that raucous pool party you hosted last summer when your other former hippie friends were arrested for...well, you know.)

Before we drop the children off, we just wanted to remind you of a few simple things you’ll need to watch out for. There has been a lot of progress in the field of child development since the days when you raised me. And I don’t need to remind you that the world has become a much more dangerous place. We have a few suggestions that will help everyone stay safe and healthy. And maybe even have fun!

Wedding Bells

                Tommy Coe and Jane Morris, both of Clinton, were married today on the playground of Windy Hill Elementary School.

                The bride, age 6, is a kindergartener at Windy Hill Elementary where her favorite activities are art, reading, and quiet choice time. The groom, also age 6 and in the same kindergarten class as his new wife, lists physical education, lunch, and show and tell as his favorite subjects.

                The bride and groom became engaged one fall day when Tommy returned home from school and announced to his family that, whether he liked it or not, his friend Jane intended to marry him.